pikestaff: (Rainbow Dash - Do Not Want)
And so another sleepless night is well underway.

I miss being able to sleep. I was sleeping so well when I first moved out here, but this past week or two has been horrid. I'll "go to bed" at 10:30pm and lie there, wide awake, until 2 or 3am. This was irritating but ultimately okay when I was "jobless" while waiting for Kmart to get back to me, but now that they've got me working at 7:30am every morning it... doesn't work out so well.

It's tied to the anxiety, I think.

I can't sleep when my heart and mind are racing and when scary thoughts and images flash up in my minds' eye just as I'm about to relax.

I can't sleep when the panic attacks hit right before bedtime (they usually do) and hype me up on adrenaline.

Sleeping pills (like Tylenol PM) used to knock me right out, but a couple of months back they quit having any effect whatsoever, as though someone had just flipped a switch that controls my body chemistry, so I've lost that as a last resort option.

I've reached a certain point of desperation where I've tried all sorts of "herbal" stuff that is supposed to calm one's nerves: St. John's Wort every day for a good month or two, and recently chamomile. The results have been decisively mixed, which to my inner skeptic means they aren't doing much (if anything) and thus I've dropped them. So it's just me. Restless, nervous, sleepless, terrified me.

I'll be emailing a local community clinic tomorrow to see if I can get in to see a mental health specialist. I hope the wait isn't terribly long. I hope whatever I have to pay isn't too much.

In the meantime, I'll just have to suck it up. Deal with being tired, and deal with the panic attacks as they come. I think I'll also try to cut my caffeine intake in half. I honestly don't take near as much as most people-- I'm a soda drinker, not a coffee drinker, and I never have any past 3pm or so-- but I've noticed lately that my body seems to be getting more sensitive to caffeine as the months go by, so maybe that same switch that made me immune to sleeping pills has also made me extra-sensitive to caffeine. It's worth a shot, I guess.


Jul. 15th, 2011 02:58 am
pikestaff: (Rainbow Dash - Not Impressed)
Hi world!

It's currently 2:48 am and I've been lying in bed thoroughly bored and WIDE AWAKE for four hours! I even took some allergy medicine before bed because I was having a bit of an allergy attack, and that usually knocks me RIGHT the heck out, but nope.

It was that huge energy drink I had at dinnertime, wasn't it? I bet it was. Fark. I figured that would be out of my system by now.

Anyways, I've actually given up trying to sleep for now. I mean really, what is the point of lying in bed if it's not going to happen? I think I might play Minecraft or SMAC or something until I actually feel tired. And if that doesn't happen within the next hour or so, I'm calling in sick at work and spending the day sleeping. Work is gonna hate me for it, and my next paycheck is gonna hate me for it, but frankly I don't trust myself spending nearly two hours navigating a twisty windy road if I'm going to be going off of four hours of sleep or less. xD
pikestaff: (Rarity - Wat.  Ew.)
I'm really getting hit hard with the self-doubt bat again. See, my goal is to have "Windshifter" e-published by the end of the month, right? Right. Except that I want to give it one last read through before I truly call it "final", and I can't bring myself to read it, because I know it's going to suck. For example! Today I was going to start reading it, so I picked up my e-reader and... promptly started reading something else, because I couldn't bring myself to drudge through my own drivel.

I feel like I need some encouragement, but then I also feel like said encouragement would be useless, because I have some sort of railroad switch in my brain that routes all complements I receive into the "Well, they're just saying that to be nice" category.

Awful, no?


Jun. 12th, 2011 10:20 pm
pikestaff: (Rainbow Dash - Determined)
I don't think I'm going to do the current big project I'm brainstorming as my Summer NaNo book. I want to give said project a few more months to percolate and then do it in November, once I've got a more solid outline prepared. For summer I think I'm going to do something a lot more "light"-- something fun and breezy, just enough to keep my on my writers' toes. Like a humorous kids' book, or a short story compilation, or something.

I also think I want to e-publish Windshifter sooner rather than later. Yesterday I gave myself the rather optimistic goal of "sometime this week", but thinking about it that probably won't give me enough time to do a cover and one last proofread. Maybe by the end of the month? That sounds reasonable, right?

Ultimately, by this point, I just want to get it out there. It feels "finished" to me. There are things I could improve upon, sure, if I really wanted to, but it'd be a hassle and I think I should just move on. I mean, I got some pretty detailed feedback regarding my strengths and weaknesses as a writer from an actual publisher, so I figure if I take said feedback to heart and focus on my strengths and work on improving my weaknesses in my future books, then Windshifter (and Cricket Song) can just be stepping stones and trial runs, so to speak.

That's my logic, anyway~
pikestaff: (Twilight Sparkle - Sadface)
According to my mom's friend, who fixes cars, I need new tires.

Tires are expensive. I can't afford new tires.

...of course, I also can't afford to NOT have new tires.

I'm feeling at a complete loss; I've applied to so many new jobs lately and I'm not getting anywhere. Guess I just gotta keep on trucking. If all else fails I have an emergency "out": namely, about a week or so back at work, I applied for a Sears credit card as part of a joke with a coworker (looong story). I figured I wouldn't get approved, because come on, my credit has sucked for the last couple of years. So that was part of the joke. SURPRISE! Approved. So now I have another credit card, which I promptly decided I was NOT EVER GOING TO USE because I REALLY don't want to get more in debt and I REALLY don't want another monthly payment but if my tires go out I may have no choice. (At least I'd get an employee discount for using it at the Sears automotive place, right?)

Sorry for the whine! I'm honestly trying not to whine in LJ so much lately but it seems like this crap just keeps happening.



But yeah anyways I guess I just gotta:

Speaking of which I'm going to play Alpha Centauri for the rest of forever


May. 31st, 2011 11:29 pm
pikestaff: (Devious Snaps)
I've been on a sci-fi kick lately, due to reading sci-fi related books and playing sci-fi related games and thinking sci-fi related thoughts. "But Pike, you're always on a sci-fi kick!" Well. Yes. But. THE POINT STANDS.

So yeah I redid my whole LJ like I said I was going to. Now with 100% more spaceships and geeky references to games I play. Also, RAICHU MOOD THEME. Which is completely unrelated to everything else, but is adorable, and is sort of related to that Pikachu theme I had for years and years.

Now I'm off to bed. My goal for tomorrow is to finish up that big art commission project that I've chipping away at on and off for a few weeks now. I'm pretty close to done and it'll be nice to finally finish it!

Edit: Happy June, erryone!
pikestaff: (Applejack - Thinky)
At my current job, on a good sales day, I'm making about $11-$12 an hour. That's really not bad at all, and makes the long drive (barely) worth it. Still, between gas prices and only averaging about 22 hours a week... I'm barely pulling even, and all it will take is another week or two of particularly low hours (since I never know what I'll get, week to week) and I'll have to start doing things like canceling my phone and "forgetting" to make credit card payments. Which I'll do if I have to, but I'd really rather not.

So I've been looking for a job again that's actually in town. It'll probably end up being minimum wage, and as such I'll have to significantly up my hours to match the $12-ish I'm making now. Well, maybe not significantly, since I'll be saving so much gas money. But! Still. And to make a long story short, finding a job around here that's not part-time is next to impossible, which is why job hunting isn't going particularly well.

So then I thought... maybe I should be looking for jobs around Bozeman, too. Sure, it's 600 miles away or whatever, but if I said "I can work starting August 1" or something, that'd give me some time to get over there. If I'm jobhunting in two completely different towns-- since my mom is here, and my dad is over there-- that doubles my chances, right? Or is it not gonna work because they'll want interviews and stuff?

Anyways, it was just an idea. I'm mostly just rambling now because I'm somewhat bored and it's too early to go to bed... eh, I think I'll go to bed anyway. Ni-night!
pikestaff: (My Little Pike Pony)
I'm very tired and thus this isn't a particularly lengthy post by any means, but I feel it expedient to point out that I love one Mister Adequate and think he is quite wonderful! <3 And I enjoy talking to him for hours on end while we play video games and poke fun at each others' accents. And also I could go into much more detail but yeah, gonna sleep now.
pikestaff: (Fluttershy - Hug)
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I don't know if I really have a "happiest time in my life" per se, but a lot of songs do remind me of particular moments or eras of my life. Sometimes the associations are due to lyrics or something, but most of the time it's just something I listened to a lot at that time. And sometimes, the connection seems to be completely random. There's a song they play at work occasionally called "Life Gave Me Lemonade" and every time I hear it, it reminds me of working at PetSmart, and it makes me a little homesick. I really haven't a clue why. As I said: random connection!

But yes, now I'm going to attempt to sleep because I know the sun is going to wake me up bright and early in the morning.


I think I am going to install SimCity 4 tomorrow! But we shall see. I need to force myself to not install it until I have worked on art for a little while.


Apr. 29th, 2011 12:26 am
pikestaff: (Pinkie Pie - GREAT SCOTT!)
Suddenly, from out of nowhere...


I'm thinking these next two paychecks are going to be rather sizable... at least compared to my recent ones.

I may be thoroughly broke and the first 27 years of my life may have been a big ball of fail but I refuse to give up hope on the future!


Feb. 24th, 2011 10:45 pm
pikestaff: (Giddy Snaps)
>Drive the 40-min drive to work
>"Oh didn't you get our message? We're closing the store early due to the snow*! You didn't actually have to come in!"
>Turn around and drive back
>My face**

Sooo nothing much else is up with me! I'm finally getting over this nasty illness, so that's a plus. I'm still totally uninspired to write. That's a minus. CIVILI-FREAKING-ZATION IV and being able to collect all my historical boyfriends! That's a plus. Suddenly I randomly suck at it! That's a minus.

I'm having issues adjusting to being single. And yes, I know that was so a couple of months ago. But the two of us were together FOR SO LOOOONG that it still feels so weird. Not gonna lie, there's a part of me that enjoys being single, but then I'll get all lonely and bawww and I turn into an emotional wreck. It gets worse when I remember that I'm 27 and have screwed up most of my 20's.

...other than those occasional moments of panic, I'm doing okay, I guess.


* They got about six inches in the town where I work. Apparently in Washington State if you get six inches of snow you SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING.

** I will greentext on my LJ and no one can stop me~


Jan. 5th, 2011 09:51 pm
pikestaff: (Giddy Snaps)
I like kids.

Not because they're cute and innocent-- but because they're the exact opposite. They're also loads more intelligent than a lot of folks give them credit for.

But I'm terrible at taking care of kids and I have no doubt I'd make a terrible parent. I think it's because I relate to kids on their level a little too much. I've recently had some opportunities to interact with young kids, and it's really hit home for me. I'm that person who distracts kids with much more interesting topics when I should be getting them to pay attention to whatever-they-should-be-paying-attention-to. I'm that bad example who says "Huh, I dunno... let's go find out," when a kid asks me what's in that off-limits place that everyone should be avoiding. I don't tell kids to sit down in their chair and be quiet. That just seems awkward and bizarre to me. Instead, I show them the mesmerizing beauty of my skeleton watch, and then top it off by showing them how to tell time. That works loads better at getting a kid to be quiet than telling them to sit in their chair does, in my experience.

I dunno if I'm ever going to have my own kids. But if this author gig works out, then I know I'll be writing primarily for kids and young adults, and that's quite a responsibility.

Hopefully, I'll do young, inquisitive minds justice.
pikestaff: (Giddy Snaps)
OKAY, I was bored so I did this super long meme. I guess it was apparently supposed to be done last year, but I'm a bit slow on the uptake. Feel free to skip if it's tl;dr/Cool Story Bro/etc.

Thanks [livejournal.com profile] rewire for doing it and giving me the idea!


A decade in review meme

It's hard to believe it's been ten years! These meme exists to highlight everything that made us who we are over the last ten years. Feel free to fill this out and send it around!

Original + copypaste code can be found here: [livejournal.com profile] awakenedpoet

2000-2010 meme )
pikestaff: (Default)
Today was my second-to-last day of work. Said goodbye to a lot of people I really like. Had a brief moment of panic as I went into massive in-depth detail explaining the nitrogen cycle to customers and exactly how they should fix their very specific aquarium problem, and realized as I was doing so that the two new kids I was training who are taking my place have no idea what I'm talking about. I probably shouldn't feel this way, but I do feel somewhat responsible for "my customers". Does that make sense?

Also, whatever new job I get had better involve things like critical thinking and problem solving. At PetSmart I have to solve problems for customers several times a day and I think that's what made this retail job considerably more tolerable than any others I've had.

But yeah, gonna miss everyone. At least I snagged some emails from people so I can RealID them on WoW >.> I'm gonna miss our video game talks. These are people I've spent 40 hours a week with for the last three years and I'm gonna miss 'em.

My dad gave me $50 as a going-away-present. It was bittersweet since I know he doesn't have a lot but he knows I need help. I'm trying to maintain neutrality in this whole thing. I don't have any problem with either of my parents.

Urgh. There is SO much weird crap floating around in my head right now. All of a sudden I feel so confused and conflicted on a million different things and I'm having crazy deep dreams. I don't put a whole lot of stock in dreams but it's unsettling, nonetheless.


Aug. 16th, 2009 11:08 pm
pikestaff: (Dizzy Spinda)
I spent most of today playing Blokus.

First I played it in-person with real people (I know, I actually am social sometimes, scary, amirite?), and then I came home and immediately informed a few of my online friends about it and we played it online, since you can do that.

It's fun. Even though I am terrible at it. >.> On the other hand, I kept beating Nick. Super odd thing about us: It is generally accepted that Nick is more of the "thinky" one and I'm more of the "touchyfeely/spiritual" one, and yet I have this unnerving tendency to consistently beat him at logic games like chess and Blokus. Interesting, no?

SO ANYWAY, my weeklong paid vacation is officially underway. Now comes the part where I attempt to talk myself into working my second job at least a few days this week...
pikestaff: (Pike Bot)
Hay Hux,

So my IM client apparently died last night and I kept typing things to you and I don't think you were seeing them, and I felt really bad D= I don't hate you ;__; *huggles*

In other news, tomorrow is my two-year-anniversary of my WoW blog and is it pathetic that I'm more excited about that than I would be about something like, I dunno, my birthday? xD

(Speaking of birthdays, dang, I'm gonna be 26 this year, I feel sooo old)


Jun. 10th, 2009 10:41 pm
pikestaff: (Jedi Pooh)
So it looks like I am officially going to be getting a part-time job for my parents (they will, ironically, pay me more than PetSmart does, although the available hours are much more limited.)

That means I'll be holding down two jobs, doing roughly $40ish worth of art commissions a week (if how business with that is going so far keeps up... which I think it will, at least for a while), as well as trying to maintain quality at my blog and play the video game that powers my blog writing.

I have actually been finding all of this rather exhilarating so far; exhausting, but very interesting none-the-less. I don't mind all the work as much as I thought I would, especially because I've found myself making time for short breaks that let me do things like, ya know, spam your guys' LJ flist. *cough*

The main problem is that between my schedule, and the fact that Nick's seems to completely 100% clash with mine, I don't see him anymore. I literally haven't seen him for more than ten minutes a day in well over a week now, and I'm not exaggerating. Seeing as we used to talk pretty much nonstop throughout the day, it's kind of a big change. I think this is harder for him than it is for me-- I've always been more of the lone wolf in the relationship-- and the fact that I am worried about "us time" much more for his sake than I am for mine sort of makes me wonder about how the whole relationship is even working at this point (I mean, me wanting to spend time with him to make him happy more than to make myself happy? Does that make me a good or bad girlfriend?) ... it's sort of confusing, really... =/ (My long-standing paranoia and deep-seated fear that I'm somehow not a relationship-kind of person, but ended up in a pretty serious relationship which still scares me to death after all these years, is not helping here.)

Aaaanyways, all I know is that I am extremely lucky to have the opportunities that I do; the fact that apparently a lot of people are willing to pay me to use my talents and the fact that 900 people a day want to read my World of Warcraft stories, which still weirds me out... it seems that in order to become an adult, I had to become a kid again and pull out the video games and crayons. Go figure.
pikestaff: (Han Shot First)
chthonic \THONE-ik\, adjective:
Dwelling in or under the earth; also, pertaining to the underworld

Okay so I'm probably super behind the times here but it's a real word and not just made up by Lovecraft. I didn't know this until now and it is totally awesome.

Just sayin'.

Gosh I miss my linguistics class I took when I was a froshie. That and black-and-white darkroom photography were probably the two best classes I took throughout all five years of my college career, and I had classes spanning from horseback riding to "Japanese film and anime".

I wish I had the money to go back to school =[


Apr. 19th, 2009 10:43 pm
pikestaff: (House O RLY)
The other day a lady came into work all distraught and asked to have her water tested because a bunch of her fish were dying. So I tested it for her and was puzzled by the results-- high nitrites, but low ammonia and nitrates. Normally this would indicate a tank that was in the middle, transitional phase of cycling, however, she said her tank had been established for several months so I knew that wasn't the case. So she asked me what was going on and I asked how much she was feeding and she seemed to be feeding the right amount, so I thought about it for a little and then told her perhaps a fish had died and she hadn't caught it, because that would cause similar issues if it was just decomposing in there. She told me she checked her fish every day to make sure there weren't any dead ones, but I told her double check anyway and then gave her some aquarium salt and also some Prime and told her to add them to her tank. Then I told her what water changes to do.

Anyways she came back a day or two later and told me that I was right! There was a dead fish in there that she hadn't caught. Not only that but when she added the stuff to her tank that I told her to add, no more of her fish died.

So then today one of my guildiefriends IM'd me a thank you note for saving HIS fish too. I had completely forgotten about this but about a month ago he told me he was having problems with his fish tank and had some instructions from his pet store on what to do. Anyways I told him his pet store was all wrong and gave him detailed instructions on water changes for his tank. Well in his IM to me he told me that all of his fish had gotten better (because they hadn't been looking so good) and the water was crystal clear, which it hadn't been before. He was convinced that his fish would have died if he hadn't listened to me.

Aaaanyways I'm sharing these because they made me feel really good, and also like the Dr. House of Fish. So, now you know. =O /flex

In other news, I swear, Men Without Hats is seriously the greatest band of all time. They are now being added to the list of things I want to build a shrine to:

1. fsck
2. Moose Tracks ice cream
3. Men Without Hats <3

...and in final news, I want soooo badly to play Final Fantasy Tactics Advance lately but it disappeared and I've looked everywhere and I can't find it... >=|
pikestaff: (Osaka)
Soooooo nervous about my job interview tomorrow and I probably have no reason to be XD

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