pikestaff: (Pony Marine)
Lately I keep having weird recurring dreams where I'm left feeling helpless and terrified. Things like losing my job, or being tugged around and forced to move again. You know, stuff that has happened to me before and that apparently has imprinted myself into my subconscious as some sort of post-traumatic-stress thing.

Wish I was self-sufficient and could control my own life! Oh well. There's a part of me that thinks I'm actually happier being a semi-leech who only works 25 hours a week and doesn't have to pay rent, because it allows me to work on things like writing and is probably better for my social-anxiety-riddled mental health in general. I can't decide if it's bad/irresponsible to think that or not.

Anyways the same old is up with me. Work is still the same. I'm still jobhunting for something better, to no avail. I'm barely keeping afloat with money but saving up is extremely difficult. It seems like I always need more money for something. I need to see the eye doctor because my eyesight is getting worse and I need new glasses, I need new tires on my car, I need a new computer because this one is starting to fall apart, I need to get a passport and visit Huxley, I need I need I need. First world problems, I guess. Pretty high-on-the-totem-pole first world problems (cause things like eyesight and transportation are pretty important), but still first world problems nonetheless.

Tuesday

Oct. 1st, 2011 09:42 am
pikestaff: (Steampunk Vinyl Scratch)
So they finally got the background check in at Kmart and I start working on Tuesday. I'm about as excited for this as one can get for a boring retail job. At least I'll have a paycheck again, I guess?

Living with my dad is a lot different from living with my mom, and not really in the way that I would've expected. I think my dad has prodded me to "eat healthier" more since I've been here than anyone else has in the rest of my life combined. He is also fond of pointing out that I owe him $2000 (he loaned that to me so I could get started on car payments, several years ago) and he also loves to remind me that I have a bunch of junk in the garage to sort through. And you know, it's all well-meaning, especially the stuff about eating healthier, but I think it just comes off as overbearing because he gets lonely REALLY EASILY and he likes to pop into my room and talk to me. He really has no one else-- my brother is just as reclusive as I am-- and whereas my mom had all my sisters and her boyfriend, my dad has no one.

I try not to get annoyed by it. He's giving me free rent after all (at least until I get situated); he's buying me food, and he's doing what normal people do-- which is seek human interaction. I don't think he quite groks that I don't operate that way, but I don't want to mention it, because, again, he's the normal one here, not me. That's how I feel, at least. So I let him talk to me, and we went to a movie together (Lion King 3D) last Sunday, and I think that really made his night.

AAAANYWAYS I'm trying to teach myself to be patient because barring a miracle it's going to be at least two or three years before my financial situation starts looking halfway decent again, and the whole immigration thing (Huxley is in England and we want to get him over here, for those of you who missed the memo the first time around) looks fairly intimidating. It will all be worth it, of that I've no doubt, but patience is the key and I'm having a tough time reminding myself of that. xD It's tough when everyone else your age is getting married and having kids and buying houses and stuff, and you're not. Not gonna lie!
pikestaff: (My Little Pike Pony)
I spent some of my long weekend working on a cover for "Windshifter" ("The end of the month" is still my goal), but I was unhappy with the results, so I scrapped it. The truth is, I'm just not a graphic designer, and my art skills are niche at best. Still, I'd really like to do this on my own, partially to save on costs and partially to prevent any potentially sticky royalty/ownership issues in the future, so I guess I'll keep messing around with it and trying to play to my strengths and seeing what I can come up with.

Anyways, now a completely different topic!

My self-esteem has really hit an all time low over the last couple of weeks/months. I've never felt so terribly insecure about myself and others' thoughts on me before. Now don't get me wrong, I've never been one to toot my own horn or anything, but lately it's been getting bad even for me.

A psychologist would, I'm sure, have a field day with me. He'd probably point out that I was ripped from a job I was an expert in and dumped into one where I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, resulting in me essentially being paid to feel useless 30 hours a week for months on end. And he'd probably also point out the double whammy of a.) my parents breaking up/my family "factionalizing", and b.) my relationship of six years ending, both of which were tossed at me at nearly the same time, meaning that I've watched every important familial or near-familial relationship in my life prove itself as tenuous and temporary. "No wonder you feel like you can't trust anyone, including yourself!" the shrink would say.

And you know, he'd probably be right.

But the reasons aren't terribly important to me. What's important to me is that I hope I'm not worrying anyone. I hope the people who care about me realize that it's not their fault-- that it's not that they're not loving me enough. My brain is pretty darn messed up right now. Frankly, I could probably really use some professional therapy or something, but I can't afford that, so in the meantime, I just ask that you all bear with me. <3
pikestaff: (Rarity - Wat.  Ew.)
I'm really getting hit hard with the self-doubt bat again. See, my goal is to have "Windshifter" e-published by the end of the month, right? Right. Except that I want to give it one last read through before I truly call it "final", and I can't bring myself to read it, because I know it's going to suck. For example! Today I was going to start reading it, so I picked up my e-reader and... promptly started reading something else, because I couldn't bring myself to drudge through my own drivel.

I feel like I need some encouragement, but then I also feel like said encouragement would be useless, because I have some sort of railroad switch in my brain that routes all complements I receive into the "Well, they're just saying that to be nice" category.

Awful, no?

Guys.

May. 17th, 2011 09:08 am
pikestaff: (Rarity - Wat.  Ew.)
I came to a realization the other day and now I have an awful confession to make.

...

LJ needs spoiler tags. )

See? That either makes me a horrible human being, or a genius. Or possibly both.

More spoiler tags, and an open question. )
pikestaff: (Rainbow Dash - Do Not Want)
My new mood theme is ponies. AND I DON'T CARE. I mean, it would be preferable if it were the ponies from the latest generation, but until someone makes one of those, it's still PONIES.

~

Sooo today's project is to try to talk myself into calling the student loans people and telling them that I don't have enough money in my bank account to pay them, so they may as well give me that freaking forbearance because they're not getting paid either way. This... is... more difficult for me than it is for most people for various reasons, so I imagine this is going to be a bit of a rough day D:

And I wish I didn't think so incredibly poorly of myself that it's quite impossible for me to talk myself up in my resume, call back potential employers, or ever step out of my bottom-rung retail comfort zone :( Not sure how I'll ever get another job at this rate...

ON THE PLUS SIDE! My dad thinks that in another month or two he might have enough money to help me out as far as moving-back-to-Montana is concerned, so hopefully that will remain an option if things continue to go south.

Rant Time?

Apr. 17th, 2011 08:34 am
pikestaff: (Rainbow Dash - Not Impressed)
I'm feeling pretty claustrophobic and trapped lately. I really want to be back out on my own again-- setting my own schedule and making my own mistakes and not worrying about everyone else's problems on top of mine (because that's just how empathic I am. If you are in the same household as I am, I will worry incessantly about your problems. It was MUCH easier when it was just, well, me.)

I don't mean this in an angsty teenager sort of way... or maybe I do. I 'unno. I was joking the other day that my angsty teenager period of life seems to be showing up a decade and change late (I was too busy playing Zelda, Goldeneye 007 and Pokemon the first time around, apparently), so who knows!

But really I do love my family, it's just hard when you've been living with them on and off for the last 27 years. Ya know?

As I'm sure most of you know by now, this period of living with them was supposed to help me shore up money to move out again, but with the divorce and the moving and having to quit my stable job and everything that all sort of... crumbled down around me pretty quickly and now I feel very stuck. I don't want to be stuck anymore. Really, I need to start working on my books again, and also locate a job that's closer to home so I don't keep flinging money at the gas station every week. Easier said than done on both counts, though!

I think moving back to Montana is a pipe dream at this point unless I either stumble across a large cache of money or someone at least donates me a U-haul truck and gas money for it. So now I think the plan is to just get some sort of job here, make as much money as I can from that, and then GTFO this gorram island as quickly as possible. I don't care where I go-- somewhere where there's a better chance at a job. I'll probably inch closer to Seattle. Closer to the city = more jobs = more money!

And writing, writing, writing... Windshifter needs to be edited again. I know exactly what I need to do, I just need motivation to do it. I also need to pick up that kids' book I started writing around Christmas time and finish that because I think it has potential and would be easier to market to agents than anything else I've got so far.

Welp, sorry for the rant. Just had to get it all off of my chest. I'll be fine; don't worry about me too much~
pikestaff: (My Little Pike Pony)
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Oh good word I've made some terrible mistakes. I betrayed his trust in a rather public venue for starters, thanks to being overly passionate on a topic that I thought was a big deal at the time but turned out to be pretty trivial. I'd rather not go into the details on this, but suffice to say that my stupidity still makes me wince when I think about it

The worst thing I did, of course, was let myself be terrified of certain aspects of the relationship to the point where I ended up becoming scared and distant. I thought I could fix things, but I couldn't, and that scared me even more, and it all snowballed from there.

And so obviously now we aren't a "we" any longer. Which I suppose was good, in the long run. I think he's happier now with his new girlfriend and I learned a lot of lessons the hard way.

It's been a long hard road trying to regain my self-esteem here, though. See, directly after the breakup, I'd pretty much convinced myself that I'm awful as a partner, destined to be Forever Alone, and that I will ruin any relationship I manage to get myself into.

I... I think I'm making strides out of that hole, though. Slowly. And I still don't completely trust myself not to screw things up again. But I will try my hardest. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

In happier news, my new avatar! It's a My Little Pony version of myself. :3

This

Mar. 22nd, 2011 07:58 pm
pikestaff: (Rainbow Dash - Do Not Want)
This is my new user icon.

Because it pretty much accurately sums up my mental state lately... xD

(Yes. Yes, it is ponies.)

OKAY

Mar. 18th, 2011 11:51 am
pikestaff: (PikaRaichu)
I'm tired of my life sucking because I'm scared of everything. I mean, I can't stop being scared of everything, because that's just sort of how I am, but I've temporarily pushed it aside and put down an ultimatum before, and I want to do that again.

I'm giving work two, maybe three weeks to see if my hours improve. I don't need 30-35 hours a week like I was getting around and immediately after Christmas (though it would be nice), but I definitely need something closer to 25 as opposed to, I dunno, the 15 that I've been getting all month. The reason I'm giving work a couple of weeks is because anytime I've raised concerns about hours they pacify me by talking about how I'll get more hours in the spring when people come in for lawn mowers and tractors, so I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt for a moment.

But if my hours don't improve by then, I'm putting in my two weeks notice and going back to Montana ASAP. I've already talked to my dad about it. We're not sure if we can wrangle me getting all of my stuff back over there, so it may just end up being me, my computer, my pets and a suitcase full of clothes and books and video games in my car as I drive back. But as he was telling me, don't worry, we can arrange new furniture and everything upon my return.

If it comes to that, I'll call PetSmart as well before heading over and see if they can at least give me something part time (25-30ish hours a week) because frankly I could probably pull that off as it would mean I wouldn't have to dump $120+ a month into gas as I do now. I don't know if they'll have an open full time slot anymore, as they're pretty limited (I was one of the very few full-timers there), but they love me and I'm 99% sure they'd at least make room for me part-time.

I'll also be looking for other jobs, of course.

Anyways that's my plan. The reason I'm typing this all up and posting it in public is to give me more incentive to stick to it and not chicken out like I've done with so many other tough things in my life. Everyone's support and encouragement would be lovely and appreciated. :3

Awkward.

Jan. 9th, 2011 06:11 pm
pikestaff: (Time Mage)
Everybody here gives me funny looks when they find out I have a college degree. Not that I go out of my way to bring it up, but it has this tendency to pop up even when I don't particularly want it to.

SAMPLE CONVERSATION:

Them: "So are you going to school?"
Me: "No."
Them: "Do you plan on it?"
Me: "I already graduated."
Them: "...from college?"
Me: "Yeah."
Them: "..."

Then come the optional but always probing questions. Sometimes people will ask where I went, and upon finding out I went to an actual university and not just a community college, always show some sign of shock. Others ask what I majored in.

Then the awkward silences happen. Every freakin' time. Seriously. Sometimes people will break the silence by coming right out and asking questions like "Why did you major in that" or "Why do you work at a hardware store" or "Are you in debt? How are you paying for your student loans?" (Yes, people have seriously asked me those questions.)

I'm not sure why this happens. I mean, sure, in Bozeman I would get the occasional "useless major LOL" ribbing, but by and large it was a college town and everyone was sympathetic to the fact that the economy decided to tank a few months after I graduated.

Here, most of the people I've talked to lean toward going to the local community school to study something like "secretarial office support", if they even go to school at all. And you know what, I am 100% not trying to diss that. I mean, heck, if I had a choice I'd go to trade school in a second, in watch repair or whatnot.

But it seems to have had this weird side effect of making it so my kind are rare, us Kids With Artsy-Fartsy Bachelor's Degrees stuck in a post-recession world. We're like a novelty to point at and shake one's head at. You'd think we wouldn't be all that rare, but to be fair, I did kind of move to the middle of nowhere. I probably wouldn't be running into this problem if I was closer to Seattle. So ultimately I guess people's responses are understandable.

Still awkward, though. Oh, how I dread having to answer the School Question. u_u

Bah

Dec. 10th, 2010 05:52 pm
pikestaff: (Pandaren)
I sort of think I should do things the hard way and cut off all contact with him for a while. Which would make me feel like a bit of a monster, but right now it's all huggy-touchy-feely-"I miss you too" and I think maybe it's just making things worse, you know, like twisting the knife in the wound or whatever that metaphor is. As it is I just keep getting these random depression spells at inopportune times (like at work) and then all I want to do is talk to him when I get home and yeah, like I said... I think that is maybe just making things worse. =/ Thoughts?

Also, has everyone packed their bags and moved to Facebook/Twitter/Some Other Site I Don't Know About? Because seriously my own entries make up about half of my LJ Friends' Page these days. I'm not complaining, I just want to know if ya'll went somewhere, and if so, where, so I can follow if I haven't already >.> I feel so isolated way out here in the middle of nowhere and I want to keep in touch with everyone. *nod*

Yeeeeah

Dec. 7th, 2010 09:57 pm
pikestaff: (Default)
I am now officially single. And it sucks.

And tomorrow I have to go to the doctor because my Mysterious Health Issues are just getting worse. I can't afford a doctor and the clinic is booked until mid-January. Yeah, I'm really not sure what I'm going to do about that one.

I'm not gonna lie, I've kind of been crying my face out off and on for a while.

---

You can leave comments if you want but I am going to screen them all so no one else sees them but me, that way if you want to talk to me but it might be personal-ish you don't have to worry about it. Otherwise, I think most of you know various other ways to reach me. Ciao.
pikestaff: (Upside Down Gir!)
I've noticed something interesting (and perhaps semi-frightening) with the way my body functions. Now, I have no idea if this has basis in science/physiology or if I'm just making trends where there are none, but as it's happened a few times now I think it may have some sort of basis in fact.

Basically, whenever I'm under a lot of stress for a prolonged amount of time, my bloodstream throws a big ol' snit fit. I'll get spontaneous nosebleeds for no reason for days on end, I'll get random cuts and scratches on my hands that bleed more than usual and take forever to heal up, feminine-issues get wonky (TMI, sorry)... and so forth.

Now as I said, I have no idea if this is an actual thing or just coincidence, or maybe the byproduct of something related (stress makes me careless = more cuts and scratches? I dunno). But I do know that this has happened to me a few times, the last time it happened was earlier this year when I was scrambling for rent every month and now it's happening again.

Now I'm not going to deny that I'm sort of under a heck of a lot of stress at the moment, but when it starts messing with my biology, well, that's just Not Cool, so I'm casting around for ideas to help myself relax so I can heal up. So far, my ideas include: lots of deep breaths, listening to relaxing music, reading more, and hijacking my mom's treadmill because doesn't exercise release some sort of good chemical or something? (<--- Bachelor of Arts alert, hahaha.)

I'm also taking iron pills now in an attempt to give my blood cells a boost and make them happy again.

Do you guys have some good stress-reducing ideas? D= I need as many as I can get.
pikestaff: (Kain is Scared)
Okay guys, here's the deal. The tabs on my license plates expired, well... the week I moved out of state.

Upon arriving here I promptly got a new Driver's License and then went to go get new License Plates. Well, slight problem. Because I'm still paying off my car I need to get the lienholder to fax the title to the DMV before they'll give me license plates.

After playing considerable amounts of phone tag I finally got an answer from both parties along the lines of: Lienholder: "Okay we'll set it up to be faxed" and DMV: "We'll call you when we get the fax."

THAT WAS LIKE FOUR WEEKS AGO.

I have called since then and both parties feign complete innocence. "Oh, we faxed it." "Oh, we never got the fax." Also, apparently the DMV has actually faxed them, asking for the fax, to no avail.

My problem is, now that I have a job that is millions of miles away, I'm spending a total of an hour and a half on the road each day WITH TWO MONTH OLD TAGS, and I'm stuck in this horrible state of limbo because I have a Washington Drivers' License and Montana plates. And I've heard that the cops here are brutal. They're not gonna care about my rigmarole with all of this, they're just gonna slap me with a fee that I can't pay.

Now it's possible that I'm over-reacting and that nobody is going to notice and/or care before I actually get the plates thing sorted out, but I hate this feeling hanging over my head that I'm playing Russian Roulette with the police twice a day. Regardless, I'm calling both the DMV and the car dealer again tomorrow morning, but I'm pessimistic on the outcome.
pikestaff: (Profferlink - Thinking)
I see connections between systems.

That probably doesn't make sense. Which is fine. Let's just say I seem to be living in a world where people make everything into a weird lifeboat situation and I just don't see things that way.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else out there is like me.

...

Okay, so that was enigmatic, and I apologize. This post was going to be a lot longer but I wasn't satisfied so I cut most of it.

~*~*mysterious mysteries*~*~
pikestaff: (Time Mage)
(Moogle Time Mage user icon is relevant to this post.)

So I had a lot of time at work to think (like I usually do) and I came up with another Wacky Idea Copyright Pike involving my future. Specifically I was all "Self, you are madly in love with your watch, and with timepieces in general, and it's one of the few things you've found that combines lots of tech with lots of art, so you should totally go into watchmaking." There seems to be a market for it right now, especially cause nobody really goes into it anymore, you start with a decent wage, and presumably I'd still have time left over for writing and stuff.

There are four big things holding me back on this idea.

One is that I'd have to move, which is expensive. Seattle has the closest program, I'd probably go there. Still, that's gonna cost money.

Two is that I doubt my own skills/potential skill. I keep reminding myself that I've done all sorts of things before that I would have previously dubbed "impossible" (writing a novel in a month, becoming a crazy expert on all things fish, etc.) but I still am nervous about it.

Three is that the two-year program costs pretty much as much as a normal university major when you toss in all the tools that you've gotta buy, and I dunno how their Financial Aid works with that kind of thing or even if they would offer it.

Four is that I have this gnawing fear inside of me that I'll just end up ruining yet another of my interests, because most anything that I have ever been interested in stops being interesting to me once it becomes either a job or a major for any length of time. =S

I just don't know! I want to figure out what to do with my life before I get too much older here, (before 30 would be nice), but it's so hard when my interests seem to be so... widespread...

...I should just pick something and stick with it, shouldn't I?

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