pikestaff: (My Little Pike Pony)
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Oh good word I've made some terrible mistakes. I betrayed his trust in a rather public venue for starters, thanks to being overly passionate on a topic that I thought was a big deal at the time but turned out to be pretty trivial. I'd rather not go into the details on this, but suffice to say that my stupidity still makes me wince when I think about it

The worst thing I did, of course, was let myself be terrified of certain aspects of the relationship to the point where I ended up becoming scared and distant. I thought I could fix things, but I couldn't, and that scared me even more, and it all snowballed from there.

And so obviously now we aren't a "we" any longer. Which I suppose was good, in the long run. I think he's happier now with his new girlfriend and I learned a lot of lessons the hard way.

It's been a long hard road trying to regain my self-esteem here, though. See, directly after the breakup, I'd pretty much convinced myself that I'm awful as a partner, destined to be Forever Alone, and that I will ruin any relationship I manage to get myself into.

I... I think I'm making strides out of that hole, though. Slowly. And I still don't completely trust myself not to screw things up again. But I will try my hardest. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

In happier news, my new avatar! It's a My Little Pony version of myself. :3

Trolololo

Feb. 24th, 2011 10:45 pm
pikestaff: (Giddy Snaps)
>Drive the 40-min drive to work
>"Oh didn't you get our message? We're closing the store early due to the snow*! You didn't actually have to come in!"
>Turn around and drive back
>My face**


Sooo nothing much else is up with me! I'm finally getting over this nasty illness, so that's a plus. I'm still totally uninspired to write. That's a minus. CIVILI-FREAKING-ZATION IV and being able to collect all my historical boyfriends! That's a plus. Suddenly I randomly suck at it! That's a minus.

I'm having issues adjusting to being single. And yes, I know that was so a couple of months ago. But the two of us were together FOR SO LOOOONG that it still feels so weird. Not gonna lie, there's a part of me that enjoys being single, but then I'll get all lonely and bawww and I turn into an emotional wreck. It gets worse when I remember that I'm 27 and have screwed up most of my 20's.

...other than those occasional moments of panic, I'm doing okay, I guess.

---

* They got about six inches in the town where I work. Apparently in Washington State if you get six inches of snow you SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING.

** I will greentext on my LJ and no one can stop me~

Awkward.

Jan. 9th, 2011 06:11 pm
pikestaff: (Time Mage)
Everybody here gives me funny looks when they find out I have a college degree. Not that I go out of my way to bring it up, but it has this tendency to pop up even when I don't particularly want it to.

SAMPLE CONVERSATION:

Them: "So are you going to school?"
Me: "No."
Them: "Do you plan on it?"
Me: "I already graduated."
Them: "...from college?"
Me: "Yeah."
Them: "..."

Then come the optional but always probing questions. Sometimes people will ask where I went, and upon finding out I went to an actual university and not just a community college, always show some sign of shock. Others ask what I majored in.

Then the awkward silences happen. Every freakin' time. Seriously. Sometimes people will break the silence by coming right out and asking questions like "Why did you major in that" or "Why do you work at a hardware store" or "Are you in debt? How are you paying for your student loans?" (Yes, people have seriously asked me those questions.)

I'm not sure why this happens. I mean, sure, in Bozeman I would get the occasional "useless major LOL" ribbing, but by and large it was a college town and everyone was sympathetic to the fact that the economy decided to tank a few months after I graduated.

Here, most of the people I've talked to lean toward going to the local community school to study something like "secretarial office support", if they even go to school at all. And you know what, I am 100% not trying to diss that. I mean, heck, if I had a choice I'd go to trade school in a second, in watch repair or whatnot.

But it seems to have had this weird side effect of making it so my kind are rare, us Kids With Artsy-Fartsy Bachelor's Degrees stuck in a post-recession world. We're like a novelty to point at and shake one's head at. You'd think we wouldn't be all that rare, but to be fair, I did kind of move to the middle of nowhere. I probably wouldn't be running into this problem if I was closer to Seattle. So ultimately I guess people's responses are understandable.

Still awkward, though. Oh, how I dread having to answer the School Question. u_u

Kids

Jan. 5th, 2011 09:51 pm
pikestaff: (Giddy Snaps)
I like kids.

Not because they're cute and innocent-- but because they're the exact opposite. They're also loads more intelligent than a lot of folks give them credit for.

But I'm terrible at taking care of kids and I have no doubt I'd make a terrible parent. I think it's because I relate to kids on their level a little too much. I've recently had some opportunities to interact with young kids, and it's really hit home for me. I'm that person who distracts kids with much more interesting topics when I should be getting them to pay attention to whatever-they-should-be-paying-attention-to. I'm that bad example who says "Huh, I dunno... let's go find out," when a kid asks me what's in that off-limits place that everyone should be avoiding. I don't tell kids to sit down in their chair and be quiet. That just seems awkward and bizarre to me. Instead, I show them the mesmerizing beauty of my skeleton watch, and then top it off by showing them how to tell time. That works loads better at getting a kid to be quiet than telling them to sit in their chair does, in my experience.

I dunno if I'm ever going to have my own kids. But if this author gig works out, then I know I'll be writing primarily for kids and young adults, and that's quite a responsibility.

Hopefully, I'll do young, inquisitive minds justice.

Adjusting

Dec. 30th, 2010 06:56 pm
pikestaff: (Profferlink - Thinking)
Knowing that my book is in the hands of a potential publisher is a very odd feeling. It's not really nerve-wracking (well, it is a bit, obviously,) so much as... well, I find myself wondering if this is what it feels like to be a parent when your kid has just gone off to college or gotten married or something. It's out of my hands now; it's up to my characters to prove themselves. You know?

I'm also trying not to get my hopes up about the whole situation. I would rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed.
pikestaff: (Time Mage)
Adjusting is so difficult. But at least I went from being largely disconsolate to being mostly able-to-be-talked-to.

He is still my best friend, and I'm talking to him a lot, regrettably more than I have in a while, actually-- friendly banter, the same stuff we talked about before, except I have to keep stopping myself from saying "I love you", which is difficult to do so I keep letting it slip. I think it makes him uncomfortable so I should probably quit it, but it's so hard to quit. Especially when I still mean those words, dangit.

If I was a higher level time mage then perhaps I could turn back the clock to wherever it all went wrong and do it better this time, but alas, I can't do that, so I'll have to live with it.

P.S. Thank you all for the kind comments that were left on my last post... it means a lot to me.
pikestaff: (Devious Snaps)
I've been drowning myself in creativity. I'm making music, I'm drawing, I'm writing.

I make, therefore I am.
pikestaff: (Moogle Plushie)
30 Days Of Meme

Still Playing Catchup

Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail

I believe that one can find art in anything.

I believe that one can find beauty in anything.

I believe that people are generally good.

I believe in seeking out truth in all of its many guises.

I believe in curiosity; in taking things apart and putting them back together so that they are better.

I believe in reading Wikipedia all day long and not regretting it.

I believe in bending the rules to get interesting results.

I believe that spirituality and science are not mutually exclusive.

I believe that the future is going to be good.

I believe that Han shot first.

I believe I could sit here and write stuff like this all day, hrrmm. Hence, I believe I should stop.

Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail

Blue PetSmart shirt. Khaki pants. Black belt. The appropriate undergarments. Glasses, because I'm blind otherwise. Oh, and, of course, my lovely wristwatch companion. <3

The list )
pikestaff: (Moogle Plushie)
I am not a particularly patriotic person. I think it's largely because of this whole internet/connected culture that we have going on. National boundaries dissolve when you have friends all over the world. With these dissolved boundaries come new internet based subcultures. No longer do we define ourselves as American or [insert country here], but by some hobby that we partake of or care about.

It is also, I think, because the U.S. is so big and diverse. Here in Montana I feel very little kinship with someone from, say, southern California or something. This is perhaps why, if I feel any sort of location-based loyalty, it is inevitably to my town or state. My world is one of mountains and big fields and snow eight months out of the year, and having to drive a hundred miles to get anywhere useful. A world where cowboys and artists and paleontologists rub shoulders as they pass the 150-year-old buildings on Main Street. The last stop tourists make before they go to Yellowstone National Park. But it's my home, and anywhere outside of it might as well be a foreign country.

ALL OF THAT SAID, I still really appreciate the sacrifices and hard work that went into making this country what it is. We're not perfect, but we're sure as heck better off than a lot of other places out there, and I think it would be remiss of me to not acknowledge that.

Also I still think that American History, up until about the mid 20th century or so, is one of the most fascinating things ever. <3

Mood for this post is Thoughtful. Be sure to mark this down on your Pike Bingo Card!

(You can probably mark down the "fangirling over various historical figures/events" on your Pike Bingo Card as well)
pikestaff: (Giddy Snaps)
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So while I may not be a published writer (yet, (hopefully?)) I must admit I never really understood the authors who get so uptight about fanfiction. I've been gifted a few pieces of fan art from people who have read my NaNo draft, and to me there is nothing more satisfying-- and humbling, even-- than knowing that somebody cared about your characters enough to want to draw them. And while I've yet to receive any fan fiction on said NaNo, I can only imagine that I would have the same feelings. Heck, even thinking about someone stooping to write fiction for my little universe makes me giddy.

To me, it's the ultimate compliment: knowing that you inspired someone to build off of what you created. I can't think of anything greater to accomplish. That's the sort of legacy I want to leave behind, as a maker/creator. If I don't inspire people to further create or build, then I have failed.

Then again I may be biased; I'm that girl who releases everything she possibly can under a pretty loose Creative Commons license and who was perhaps the only WoW blogger under the sun who not only didn't complain, but actually sort of liked when her blog content was scraped and stuck onto other web sites (so long as my content is out there and being read, I don't care who people think wrote it.)

...that ramble sort of segued away from the main question. Honestly I never read much fanfiction, nor did I write very much of it (although of course I did write some). But assuming we're talking about the concept, in general: I love it.

Mrrrff.

Feb. 24th, 2010 05:31 pm
pikestaff: (Lil KT Hug Me)
Talk about a rough couple o' days.

WoW account is done and blog is closed down for however long. I'm sitting around wondering whether it was the right decision or not.

And then I wake up this morning and find out that my guinea pig Vincent, the last of my two "Original Boys", passed away during the night. It didn't make me quite as sad as Reno's passing did-- primarily because Reno's was after several days of pain and sickness and Vinny looks like he just... fell asleep and didn't wake up. Maybe he was having a nice dream. He lived a long life for a guinea pig. Right up til' the end he liked getting his nose rubbed, and attempting to WHEEK WHEEK WHEEK with that broken and scratchy ol' squeaker-box of his.




I'll miss ya, Vinny.

I was starting to feel really self-conscious about my NaNo, too. It just seems like I've got a list of "Things That Are Wrong With It" and I was kind of feeling overwhelmed. But I got some good feedback from people on Twitter and I had this massive "I'm such an idiot" moment when I suddenly remembered what my own characters would tell me.

Pike: "You guys, I don't know what to do. I'm writing this book about your story and there's so many PROBLEMS and I don't think I can fix them..."

Mantra of Every Single Character In The Freaking Book: "...all problems can be solved?"

Pike: "...you're right, of course."

So I'm feeling a little better about that.

But the WoW-quit and Vincent's unexpected departure still sting.

I'm... I'm gonna go watch curling and draw.
pikestaff: (Eve and Wall-E)
I was fascinated by machines when I was a kid.

Now most people who start a story with a sentence like that probably go on to talk about how they used to pull everything apart and look inside to see how it worked. I didn't, however. Not because I wasn't curious-- since I was-- but because to pull something apart like that would be horribly wrong. Like vivisecting a live creature. Of course I wouldn't do that!

See, I had this odd deep-seated belief that even mechanical or electronic things were alive somehow. I'm not sure where this belief came from or if it was inspired by "Brave Little Toaster" or what, but it was always there. I have memories of being in elementary school and being given a giant floppy disk, as part of a presentation by a woman who worked with computers. Now, I saw floppy disks every day, of course, thanks to our Commodore 64, but these ones were jumbo-sized and I was quite fascinated with it.

Then the woman who was making the presentation told us to open up the disk case and pull out the tender storage inside so we could look at it, and I was absolutely horrified. How could I profane such an exquisite creation? The kids around me were ripping into their own floppy disks with devious glee, and I felt terribly out of place, so finally I very carefully undid the case and pulled out the inside. I was very gentle with it and I think I was the only kid in the classroom that put it back when I was done. (Some of the other kids were crinkling theirs up and laughing; I couldn't watch, it was murder.)

I knew this odd little "belief" of mine was very unusual. It first of all defied all common logic, and second of all was not something they'd taught me in church, and so because it failed those two tests I figured I was weird for thinking all of this and told nobody about it, save one or two good friends from school. Thinking back on this I find this peculiar because as an elementary-school-age kid I thought nothing of telling people exactly what I believed. This was different, though.

This feeling manifested itself in another way: seeing old, broken down machinery spooked me, like seeing a corpse. Anytime I saw some old and decrepit machine in a book or movie it would honestly send shivers up my spine. Because those machines had been alive and were now dead, and it unsettled me.

Again, though, I always thought this reaction of mine was very unusual and I never told anyone about it.

Over time the feelings evolved and turned into a sort of general fascination with robots and androids, those creatures that really did personify what I'd felt all along-- that there was a soul inside the machine.

Now, of course, there isn't really. As far as I know, anyway. But I do think that there is a sort of link that can be forged between human and machine, one that we often take for granted but that I find to be invaluable.

When I worked at the Photo Lab at Target, you were constantly in an intricate dance with machines. There was the machine that developed the negatives for you, there was the machine hooked up to a computer that scanned the negatives in, and then there was the machine that actually printed the pictures. These machines were incredibly complicated. I say this as somebody who took a darkroom photography class where it took roughly an hour to do what these machines could do-- one hundred fold-- in fifteen minutes. And there was a mutual dependency. The machine couldn't print those pictures all by itself, without you telling it what paper to put it on or cropping photos or keeping the chemicals topped off or keeping the paper full. And likewise, you couldn't develop hundreds of pictures in an hour by yourself.

The photoprocessing machine had idiosyncrasies and a personality and I got to know it very well. I could tell how far along it was in the printing process simply by the sounds it made. Those same sounds could tell me if it was almost out of paper. I'd have the next roll of paper out and ready to load a few seconds before the "Load Paper" warning would pop up on the screen. Things went wrong, sometimes, as they did with any complicated device, but I knew how to fix them. Yes, I knew that machine very well. When I left Target I'm pretty sure I missed that machine more than I did any of my co-workers. I still miss it, sometimes.

My first car always had issues. I spent more money fixing it than I did originally buying it. Aside from the chronic engine/transmission problems, there was also the way the LCD odometer would reset itself to zero every eight miles and the seatbelt warning bell would start binging (also every eight miles), unless you happened to be going very straight and at a constant speed, on a freeway or something.

I won't forget the weird feeling I had, though, when it was about to give up the ghost for good. I was driving along that autumn day and I could tell that something wasn't right. That my car was giving me the last of what it had. I can't describe how I could tell this. I don't know if it was a difference in the way the car handled or drove or if it was the sounds it was making, or what. But I knew it was dying. Two days later... it did.

Because there's a connection that is forged there. If you spend a good amount of time each day, every day, with someone, you'll make a connection and reach a sort of mutual relationship. And it doesn't matter if that someone is a person, or an animal, or a "thing".

And ultimately, I think that's sort of one of the things I'm really going for with the book I'm writing.

"And while you're at it, keep the nightlight on inside the birdhouse in your soul..."
pikestaff: (Jedi Pooh)
I had a massive epiphany at work today.

See, this whole time I've been thinking that my money issues were coming from my giant bills. Rent, car payment, insurance, etc. etc. And yeah, those hurt.

But it has come to my attention how much I could be saving just from the little things.

Example: Every day at work, I get really hungry a few hours into my shift. So I take a break and buy a bag of Gardetto's from the vending machine. That's $0.80.

Then, on my actual lunch, I buy a drink, my food, and a string cheese. I don't really need the string cheese, but I'm impatient and it gives me something to munch on while my main dish is in the microwave. The string cheese is $0.55.

From the Gardetto's and string cheese combined, I'm spending $1.43 a day. That's $7.15 a week. Which is about $30 a month, which is $360 a year. A.k.a. ENOUGH TO COVER TWO WINTER POWER BILLS.

This realization shocked me. Was I really spending all this money under my nose and unaware of it because it seemed like so little at the time?

I started to think of other ways that I was letting money get away from me. Like drinking one and sometimes even two cans of Dr. Pepper every day. Like buying the expensive ice cream instead of a huge box of freeze pops. Like turning my heat up to a balmy 72 degrees so I can wear a short-sleeved shirt, instead of keeping it at 65 and wearing a sweater. Like being lazy and going on hiatus with my art commissions for six months because I didn't feel like doing them for a while. Like keeping my computer on all night.

...see what I mean? And I didn't realize all of this until like... today. Because I'm one of those "never thinks about anything beyond a week in the future" types of people. It's a weak spot of mine, really.

Well, it's time for some changes. Just little ones. And the next few months will still be tight. But maybe I'll see things start to add up after that.

There's an inspirational story that gets tossed around about an old mule who fell down a well, and the farmer decided to just bury him there rather than rescue him. But with every shovelful of dirt that went into the well, the mule would "shake it off and step up". And finally, after several shovelfuls of this dirt that was meant to be his end, he had made enough of a hill to climb out of the hole.

Cheesy? Yes.

Relevant? Yes.

It may have to be my motto for this year.



P.S. You guys give awesome advice. <3

Optimism...

Jan. 3rd, 2010 07:00 am
pikestaff: (Default)
I'm feeling optimistic about the new year. But I sorta feel bad feeling that way.

Yesterday was, for all intents and purposes, a good day. I helped some people identify a "mystery fish" that they'd been wondering about for years and that nobody at any other pet stores could identify (which strikes me as odd, because killifish are pretty common fish, but hey!) I helped another lady out who was trying to make bunny treats for a service project using a technique that I've used many times for making guinea pig treats and the fact that I could help her so specifically just tickled her pink.

A coworker said she would give me her ten-gallon fish tank so I don't have to buy one. (Because frankly, a five-gallon is just too limiting)

I treated myself to two cherry barbs so Wilson can have some company, and they are beautiful. <3



And much more bright red than they appear in the picture.

I drew a picture that I'm rather proud of.

And yet my family possibly has less money than I do (which is disturbing) and I got a cryptic e-mail from Nick that doesn't say very much but seems to imply something very bad, like getting evicted.

I feel helpless...

...but yesterday was still a good day, and 2009 was still a great year. I dunno. I kind of feel bad being optimistic.
pikestaff: (March Hare)
I've been thinking lately that I need a really fun new hobby. Preferably something that doesn't involve video games, because I love them dearly, but they already take up a bunch of my time and I'd kind of like to scale back on that a little. (Although, the nice thing about SimCity DS, which I am currently playing the heck out of, is that you can just sort of let it run in the background and let your city build up in population as you do other stuff, and you only have to pay attention to it one out of every ten minutes or so.)

But yeah, something new and different that doesn't cost a whole lot would be spifftastic. Not sure what though.

I got a really nice printer from my mom for free, and I've kind of been in the mood to write letters. I wonder if there's a list somewhere of lonely people who want letters written to them. Cause I would totally do that.
pikestaff: (Trenchcoat Pikestaff)
Got massively linked to on WoWInsider today. It's not even the about-me-profile thing yet, but it was still like "Oh this post, yeah go read it, at this blog, oh don't forget to click here".

At this point I am about 99% convinced that this whole blog thing is a gigantic plot from the powers-on-high to slowly pull me out of my comfort zone. See, I'm am basically the most non-committal, conflict-avoiding, passive, selfdeprecating, and just plain shy person like... ever. I don't think that can be easily picked up on-- if it can be picked up on at all-- from my writing, because I've always been a pretty confident writer. But when this kind of massive in-link stuff happens, as genuninely flattering as it is, it always turns me into this giant bundle of nerves who wants to not leave her house... er, home page. Because there is the possibility that she might have to confront people. And not just her friends or the people that she is used to.

The unknown.

But as scary as it is, I think it must be good thing.

...right?
pikestaff: (Pikestaff)
I know I ramble a lot about my future, but it's because it's on my mind a lot. I'm still not sure where I see myself going in terms of my life. The other day I saw this and got all super inspired and decided I was going to pursue my original dream of animation, but then I was thinking about it and decided I still want to run away and become a scientist.

All I know is that fate has conspired to give me three things: the ability to magically pull ideas for movie plots/characters/themes out of seemingly thin air, the curiosity to wonder exactly how everything works, and a reasonably popular World of Warcraft blog. Maybe if I can figure out how to reconcile all of those things into a coherent whole, I will have finally stumbled upon the holy grail of my life.

In other news, I'm still planning to move to Washington sometime in the next couple of months; I'm going to start looking into housing probably tomorrow. I was home alone all of this last week and I decided I liked it (I was thinking it could sort of be a test-run to see if moving out is going to make me go crazy with homesickness, but I don't think it will), and I'm seriously ready for a new job. But I'm still broke, and scared as heck. XD
pikestaff: (Han Shot First)
I've sorta been on a mini-icon spree lately. For example, I decided I needed a Star Wars icon. And so I have acquired a most epic icon based on some super cute art. Tell me it's not the most adorable rendition of that scene you've ever seen. <3

So the vacation is going nicely so far, I'm sort of feeling like I'm not accomplishing as much as I would have liked to though. But I think it's just in my nature to always feel sorta unfulfilled and restless. I'm kinda worried that I'm going to get all depressed and stuff on Sunday when I know that going-back-to-work will be staring me in the face, but eh. I think I can probably handle it. Tomorrow I think I'm going to go get my paycheck and the new schedule; I'm actually kind of hoping that they only give me four days instead of five like they did last time. I'm such an epic slacker. My bank account can't afford it, either-- it's bad. x_x

I'm sort of torn sometimes, I actually told Nick about this once. A lot of times I worry that maybe I gripe about work too much because I don't seem to be cut out for it-- I feel like a being made of pure creativity and a "normal job" doesn't suit me. But then I wonder if I have the right to be griping. A lot of people out there don't have jobs that want one, and there are a lot of jobs out there that are worse than mine. And it's not that I hate my job either, it's just that I feel like it's taking time out of more important things, like goofing off with friends or doing my own thing. Maybe I am spoiled. I dunno.

I'm really starting to think that I'd feel more fulfilled if I actually had my own little place to take care of and pay for, rather than just making money to pay for some mysterious intangible bills while I sit around in my parents' house. Maybe I should look into the "finding my own place" plan again.

End Transmission.

TGIF much?

Feb. 1st, 2008 03:29 pm
pikestaff: (Upside Down Gir!)
Yeah. Friday makes me happy.

It's kind of funny actually, because I really don't have a set work schedule, and I have never had a job with a set work schedule. And yet this is the fourth or fifth week in a row that I've worked Mon-Fri and had the weekend off. And almost always from 6am-2pm. This is the closest I've ever had to a Mon-Fri job (aside from school), and it's sort of draining because you do everything five days in a row and by that fifth day you're just dead.

But then it's kind of nice because you get two days off in a row.

But then Sunday evening is kind of un-fun because at that point you're thinking "Oh yay, here comes five more days of work..."

Not that I dislike my job. Oh it has its difficult moments as I've talked about in the past, but it's probably the most enjoyable job I've had so far. In the end though, it's still a job, and I'd still rather be at home doing absolutely nothin'. Ya know?

Also this is completely out of character for me but I'm excited for spring. I love winter and it's still my favorite season but it's been winter for a couple months now and it's making me antsy.

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