pikestaff: (Psyduck)
Why is my current job so terrible :(

I'm applying for a couple of new jobs every day so hopefully I can put in a two-weeks-notice soon, but that time is not coming fast enough. I hope they fire me like they did everyone else in my department so I can be gone quicker.

Bah.

Jan. 6th, 2012 11:14 am
pikestaff: (Derpy - Dragonborn)
My Nintendo DS games are all in a little white case about the size of my outstretched hand, and they've been missing since about a year and a half ago, when I moved from my apartment to, well... here (this was before the move to Washington.)

Well, I just spent a few hours digging through every single one of the boxes I brought with me from WA and the games aren't anywhere to be found.

Which means I probably left them in Bozeman to begin with, which means they're either in one of a dozen or so boxes high up in the garage that I can't reach, or they're in some storage locker somewhere.

Which means I can't continue my search and rescue rampage until my dad comes back from work.

I am a sad pony. :(
pikestaff: (Twilight Sparkle - Crazy!)
Okay, so the pre-holiday work rush is a lot crazier than I thought it would be. We're so stupidly understaffed and customers are getting upset because they aren't being helped quick enough, and then they start thinking it's hilarious to blame me for it!

At least it's over in a week and a half or so? And I've got Thursday and Friday off. And then I get an extra day off next week for my birthday. Less money but I don't care~

Guys, check this place out. They're not actively hiring, and they're super small and Mom & Pop, but I'm considering writing them an email and saying "I have ten years of retail experience and I LOVE watches and things, can we work something out?" I mean, you never know... right? It'd be better than Kmart, right?

I'm still writing, by the way. Once I finish this book I'm going to go on an editing spree cause then I'll have like three different books to edit.
pikestaff: (My Little Pike Pony)
I spent some of my long weekend working on a cover for "Windshifter" ("The end of the month" is still my goal), but I was unhappy with the results, so I scrapped it. The truth is, I'm just not a graphic designer, and my art skills are niche at best. Still, I'd really like to do this on my own, partially to save on costs and partially to prevent any potentially sticky royalty/ownership issues in the future, so I guess I'll keep messing around with it and trying to play to my strengths and seeing what I can come up with.

Anyways, now a completely different topic!

My self-esteem has really hit an all time low over the last couple of weeks/months. I've never felt so terribly insecure about myself and others' thoughts on me before. Now don't get me wrong, I've never been one to toot my own horn or anything, but lately it's been getting bad even for me.

A psychologist would, I'm sure, have a field day with me. He'd probably point out that I was ripped from a job I was an expert in and dumped into one where I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, resulting in me essentially being paid to feel useless 30 hours a week for months on end. And he'd probably also point out the double whammy of a.) my parents breaking up/my family "factionalizing", and b.) my relationship of six years ending, both of which were tossed at me at nearly the same time, meaning that I've watched every important familial or near-familial relationship in my life prove itself as tenuous and temporary. "No wonder you feel like you can't trust anyone, including yourself!" the shrink would say.

And you know, he'd probably be right.

But the reasons aren't terribly important to me. What's important to me is that I hope I'm not worrying anyone. I hope the people who care about me realize that it's not their fault-- that it's not that they're not loving me enough. My brain is pretty darn messed up right now. Frankly, I could probably really use some professional therapy or something, but I can't afford that, so in the meantime, I just ask that you all bear with me. <3
pikestaff: (Rainbow Dash - Do Not Want)
I got a cryptic letter from my student loans. This is what it says:

Dear Borrower:

We have received your request for forbearance; unfortunately, we are unable to process your request for the following reason(s):

There are not enough forbearance months available to bring your account(s) current.

Other: Please make a full monthly payment in order for our forbearance to be process. [sic]

Please make all necessary corrections and return all information with this letter.

Sincerely,

Processing Specialist

I really have no IDEA what they mean by that first reason there. The second I have an inkling of-- namely, I need to cough up $300 within about six days (Yeah, I've NO clue how I'm going to do that. I'll be lucky if I have that much in my bank account right now, and I still have $400 worth of cash going to my car payment + insurance this weekend). But the "there are not enough forbearance months available" thing? Yeah, I have NO idea what they're talking about or what they want me to fix.

I went to their website and managed to electronically submit another request for forbearance, and I'm hoping that will do the trick, because if you recall, last time I sent the form to Wells Fargo and then they sent it on to this new bank. So maybe, now that I can bypass the middleman, my chances are better.

I hope it works and that they get it and decide to process it before I need to figure out where this $300 is coming from. Otherwise I'll have to call them, and I hate calling people. I'll do it, though, I just won't be happy about it.

Rant Time?

Apr. 17th, 2011 08:34 am
pikestaff: (Rainbow Dash - Not Impressed)
I'm feeling pretty claustrophobic and trapped lately. I really want to be back out on my own again-- setting my own schedule and making my own mistakes and not worrying about everyone else's problems on top of mine (because that's just how empathic I am. If you are in the same household as I am, I will worry incessantly about your problems. It was MUCH easier when it was just, well, me.)

I don't mean this in an angsty teenager sort of way... or maybe I do. I 'unno. I was joking the other day that my angsty teenager period of life seems to be showing up a decade and change late (I was too busy playing Zelda, Goldeneye 007 and Pokemon the first time around, apparently), so who knows!

But really I do love my family, it's just hard when you've been living with them on and off for the last 27 years. Ya know?

As I'm sure most of you know by now, this period of living with them was supposed to help me shore up money to move out again, but with the divorce and the moving and having to quit my stable job and everything that all sort of... crumbled down around me pretty quickly and now I feel very stuck. I don't want to be stuck anymore. Really, I need to start working on my books again, and also locate a job that's closer to home so I don't keep flinging money at the gas station every week. Easier said than done on both counts, though!

I think moving back to Montana is a pipe dream at this point unless I either stumble across a large cache of money or someone at least donates me a U-haul truck and gas money for it. So now I think the plan is to just get some sort of job here, make as much money as I can from that, and then GTFO this gorram island as quickly as possible. I don't care where I go-- somewhere where there's a better chance at a job. I'll probably inch closer to Seattle. Closer to the city = more jobs = more money!

And writing, writing, writing... Windshifter needs to be edited again. I know exactly what I need to do, I just need motivation to do it. I also need to pick up that kids' book I started writing around Christmas time and finish that because I think it has potential and would be easier to market to agents than anything else I've got so far.

Welp, sorry for the rant. Just had to get it all off of my chest. I'll be fine; don't worry about me too much~
pikestaff: (Rainbow Dash - Do Not Want)
So I printed off a form and went to go fill it out and send it into my bank, basically saying "Yeah um about those student loans, the monthly payment on them is like 40% of my current monthly income, can you cut me some slack here?"

Halfway through this process, I remembered that Wells Fargo (my bank) was currently in the process of transferring my student loans to some other bank or something-or-other, which is what they're doing to all student loan accounts that were done through them.

So I went to that bank's website. Okay, so, I dunno if whoever made their site is just a shoddy designer or if the site is super overloaded from all the Wells Fargo transfers or what, but the site is BUGGY AS HECK. It took a good 10 or 15 minutes of derping around to get it to sign me up without throwing an error message in my face, and then I couldn't download the form I needed because it was telling me I had to fix my phone number, and it wouldn't LET me fix my phone number without even more error messages. Seriously I messed around with this gorram site for like a half hour, to no avail.

But I really REALLY wanted to at least do SOMETHING and not sit here and wait for them to assume that everything was hunky-dory and then send me a massive bill, so finally, with no other real recourse, I went back through the Wells Fargo form and sent it to THEM in the hopes that they'll forward it on to the right people, seeing as they're still in the process of moving accounts over.

Then I found out that we had no stamps, so I had to go spend some of this week's lunch money to buy a book of them.

Anyways, at least it's in the mail. Now I wait, I suppose, and try back at that website again in a couple of days, perhaps. Until then I'm just going to take things a day at a time. Paycheck by measly paycheck!

Gosh. All I want in life anymore is to pay off my loans to the best of my ability, locate a tiny cabin in the middle of nowhere in Canada somewhere, and live there away from human civilization and do my own thing for the rest of my life. Is that too much to ask for? D:

This

Mar. 22nd, 2011 07:58 pm
pikestaff: (Rainbow Dash - Do Not Want)
This is my new user icon.

Because it pretty much accurately sums up my mental state lately... xD

(Yes. Yes, it is ponies.)

Day 8

Mar. 16th, 2011 09:18 am
pikestaff: (Default)
Day 8 - Best soundtrack.

...really? I'm supposed to narrow this one down to just one? Really?

You know, I could go the easy route and name a Uematsu-scored Final Fantasy game or something, but truthfully I don't even know if that would be the correct answer in my eyes.

I mean, there is a part of me that wants to pick a video game I have never played just so I can say this. (Seriously, listen to that whole thing.)

And then something like Mega Man 2 is such a no-brainer that it's ridiculous.

Or freaking Donkey Kong Country 2.

Or Hitman: Blood Money.

Or Top Gear.

Or good word, Monty on the Freakin' Run. Really, who knew you could do that stuff on a Commodore 64?

JSRF? JSRF.

I'm kind of obligated to mention Baba Yetu because I could listen to it basically all day. Also for being the first and only video game song to win a Grammy Award, apparently! Which is pretty great.

EDIT: KARAZHAN. NOW. CLICK.

TLDR how am I supposed to pick ONE soundtrack? Yeah um, no.



...not gonna lie, writing this post has briefly made me forget that I've been almost on the verge of tears most of the rest of the morning... them video games, man <3

The whole shebang )

*COUGH*

Feb. 18th, 2011 11:26 pm
pikestaff: (Gir is dead)
Okay, I need to apologize for not posting in a while. I was massively sidelined by some sort of flu/cold/bronchitis that resulted in me essentially losing my voice for a couple of nights (hilarious results were had), missing a good three days of work, and having to relinquish a couple hundred bucks to the doctor so I could get meds and a time-off-work note.

Technically I'm still pretty sick but I can't afford to miss any more work so I'm loading up on cough meds and toughing it out now. Really though, this is the most sick I have been in... months!

I blame myself. See, this all went down mere hours after I was bragging about how I was the only one in my department at work that hadn't caught the mysterious Sears illness yet. Buuut yeah.

That's about all that's going on with me. Well, [livejournal.com profile] azuhuxley_daioh has introduced me to Civ IV and now I'm addicted to YET ANOTHER video game, but that's beside the point, since it probably comes as no shock to anyone.

RIP

Feb. 7th, 2011 08:53 am
pikestaff: (Foxkeh)


It feels like there should be something that I say to tribute the man who is probably tied with Walt Disney for influencing me more than any other person (outside of my family and friends). The love of anthropomorphic animals, a lot of early influence on my writing style, my early internet shenanigans, even the entire persona of Pikestaff the Hare all came from this. I haven't read a Redwall book in years (my last one was The Legend of Luke back in 2002 or so? Or Lord Brocktree maybe?) But man, this hit like a ton. Never thought he'd go so soon.

Back when I was about ten years old or so I met him at a bookstore. He said, "Tell you what, we'll make a deal. As long as you keep reading the books, I'll keep writing them."

Maybe I shoulda kept reading.

Oh hi.

Feb. 5th, 2011 10:18 pm
pikestaff: (Devious Snaps)
Gotta admit, guys, I've basically lost all motivation to work on either of my books. I'm not sure where it came from. Maybe it's just burnout. I've been GO-GO-GO-GO for almost a year and a half now. Some of that initial energy is understandably gone.

It's funny, though, because a couple of days ago I had this HUGE epiphany at work where I figured out how to "fix" Windshifter (let's not mention the fact that I've figured out how to "fix" Windshifter about three or four times now). Seriously though, my new ideas would probably end up adding at least a couple of chapters, some nice world/character building, and a tragic character arc for the villain.

Also, I think it would be a great idea to "rewrite" the book. Open a nice, new, clean Open Office document, copypasta the decent parts over and rewrite the rest from scratch.

And all of this would be AMAZING except that I have never felt so uninspired to write.



Hopefully it's just a phase.

Bleh

Dec. 13th, 2010 10:20 pm
pikestaff: (Kain is Scared)
You know, I have never been the type of person to get depressed. When I do, the spells are usually quick-- overall I'm a pretty optimistic soul. Always have been.

But lately I have just been in the worst funk and it's getting really emotionally draining.

And no this isn't just about the break-up. I mean yeah, that's no doubt a contributing factor, but right now it's just the constant money issues without any respite, combined with the fact that everyone in my entire household is apparently on edge right now. I can't really blame them for that, since they're all in dire straights as well (arguably more dire straights than I-- I'm not going to go into detail but it's a super messy situation right now) and I feel tied to it all.

I've been hiding at work, and when I'm not at work, I'm hiding in my room playing more World of Warcraft than I probably should. I shouldn't play this much when I have art to do and books to edit, but it's such glorious escapism and it's so hard to rustle up much creative energy when you're this down.

I really should try to get back to the art and books though... and I should really attempt to find a job that is both full-time and actually in-town. (Yeah right, there's nothing out there, because I have been looking...)

--

If there is no improvement on any front within a couple of months, I think I will move back to Bozeman. I think it would be easier to get a job over there; I have so many connections and my PetSmart friends would do anything to help me out and try to get me back, if worse came to worse. Then I can just write all of this off as a bad failed experiment. We'll see, though.

Bah

Dec. 10th, 2010 05:52 pm
pikestaff: (Pandaren)
I sort of think I should do things the hard way and cut off all contact with him for a while. Which would make me feel like a bit of a monster, but right now it's all huggy-touchy-feely-"I miss you too" and I think maybe it's just making things worse, you know, like twisting the knife in the wound or whatever that metaphor is. As it is I just keep getting these random depression spells at inopportune times (like at work) and then all I want to do is talk to him when I get home and yeah, like I said... I think that is maybe just making things worse. =/ Thoughts?

Also, has everyone packed their bags and moved to Facebook/Twitter/Some Other Site I Don't Know About? Because seriously my own entries make up about half of my LJ Friends' Page these days. I'm not complaining, I just want to know if ya'll went somewhere, and if so, where, so I can follow if I haven't already >.> I feel so isolated way out here in the middle of nowhere and I want to keep in touch with everyone. *nod*
pikestaff: (Time Mage)
Adjusting is so difficult. But at least I went from being largely disconsolate to being mostly able-to-be-talked-to.

He is still my best friend, and I'm talking to him a lot, regrettably more than I have in a while, actually-- friendly banter, the same stuff we talked about before, except I have to keep stopping myself from saying "I love you", which is difficult to do so I keep letting it slip. I think it makes him uncomfortable so I should probably quit it, but it's so hard to quit. Especially when I still mean those words, dangit.

If I was a higher level time mage then perhaps I could turn back the clock to wherever it all went wrong and do it better this time, but alas, I can't do that, so I'll have to live with it.

P.S. Thank you all for the kind comments that were left on my last post... it means a lot to me.

Yeeeeah

Dec. 7th, 2010 09:57 pm
pikestaff: (Default)
I am now officially single. And it sucks.

And tomorrow I have to go to the doctor because my Mysterious Health Issues are just getting worse. I can't afford a doctor and the clinic is booked until mid-January. Yeah, I'm really not sure what I'm going to do about that one.

I'm not gonna lie, I've kind of been crying my face out off and on for a while.

---

You can leave comments if you want but I am going to screen them all so no one else sees them but me, that way if you want to talk to me but it might be personal-ish you don't have to worry about it. Otherwise, I think most of you know various other ways to reach me. Ciao.
pikestaff: (Pandaren)
More of my friends get engaged. Meanwhile, I'm having frequent depressive bouts where I just want to pack everything up and drive back to Montana so I can be the Crazy Guinea Pig Lady in peace since due to recent events I no longer have any real reason to stick around here.

A couple weeks back, before said recent events happened, I was talking to my Dad on the phone and he said something to the effect of "You know, you're almost 30 and..."

It was the first time either of my parents had ever expressed concern for me Not Being Married Yet, and it sort of caught me off guard. Not like he dwelled on it, and not like it bothered me especially, but it was... different.

ANYWAYS, I don't want to turn into Ms. Depressing (too late?) so to balance it out... I ate these amazing frosting-and-mint cookies yesterday. Keep me stocked with some of those and I will die happy.
pikestaff: (Devious Snaps)


Now I am going to chuck this thing in a dark place and let it age like a fine wine before I even attempt to look at it. Good gosh, the entire thing is me monologuing and throwing blatant allegories in your face (as per usual for me). And by the end I was scraping for wordcount and tossing in all sorts of superfluous sentences. BUT I DID IT.

Brings my total lifetime count of finished novels to five. Six if you count a middle-grade-ish one I wrote for my siblings years back which was probably 20k words or so.

Anyways literally within five minutes of winning my world sort of turned upside down for a reason that I am not yet going to discuss but yeah. MORE CRAZY STUFF HAPPENING IN PIKE'S PERSONAL LIFE.
pikestaff: (River)
I called the DMV. "Oh yeah, we got a response from your lienholder a while ago. Didn't anybody call you?"

ಠ_ಠ

Things promptly went from bad to worse, though, because then I was informed that Montana is one of the few states that gives the title to you before you're done paying it off. Which means I have it somewhere. Which means it's probably in an unmarked box in a storage unit in Bozeman, Montana, 600 miles away.

ಠ_ಠ

I called my dad and he's going to attempt to look for it tonight but neither of us are holding our breath. So I'm going to go down to the DMV now and get temporary license plates, which grant me 60 days of immunity from cops while I attempt to get a duplicate title. Knowing Wells Fargo Dealer Services, this is going to be the biggest headache in the world.

(Also getting the temporary plates is scary because supposedly if I go past the 60 days and I still don't have the title, they take my car away. Awesome...)
pikestaff: (Kain is Scared)
Okay guys, here's the deal. The tabs on my license plates expired, well... the week I moved out of state.

Upon arriving here I promptly got a new Driver's License and then went to go get new License Plates. Well, slight problem. Because I'm still paying off my car I need to get the lienholder to fax the title to the DMV before they'll give me license plates.

After playing considerable amounts of phone tag I finally got an answer from both parties along the lines of: Lienholder: "Okay we'll set it up to be faxed" and DMV: "We'll call you when we get the fax."

THAT WAS LIKE FOUR WEEKS AGO.

I have called since then and both parties feign complete innocence. "Oh, we faxed it." "Oh, we never got the fax." Also, apparently the DMV has actually faxed them, asking for the fax, to no avail.

My problem is, now that I have a job that is millions of miles away, I'm spending a total of an hour and a half on the road each day WITH TWO MONTH OLD TAGS, and I'm stuck in this horrible state of limbo because I have a Washington Drivers' License and Montana plates. And I've heard that the cops here are brutal. They're not gonna care about my rigmarole with all of this, they're just gonna slap me with a fee that I can't pay.

Now it's possible that I'm over-reacting and that nobody is going to notice and/or care before I actually get the plates thing sorted out, but I hate this feeling hanging over my head that I'm playing Russian Roulette with the police twice a day. Regardless, I'm calling both the DMV and the car dealer again tomorrow morning, but I'm pessimistic on the outcome.

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